What is self-sovereignty? And how it can improve your relationships.
It's all you bb
There are many definitions of what self-sovereignty is. I’ve heard it mentioned a lot in the digital or financial space regarding your identity and not needing it to be verified by third parties. That is not what I am talking about here. This Substack is probably not going to take that kind of turn lol. Self-sovereignty, to me, is the ownership and responsibility of your full self. This includes your physical, emotional and spiritual needs. It includes all of your needs.
Being a sovereign being means building awareness in yourself: Understanding your wounds, how your past impacts you today, how you operate best in the world, what brings you joy, how you like to connect with people, knowing your boundaries, how much time you need to get ready to go out, how much alone time you need…the list goes on.
And if you compromise your needs or desires. That’s on you.
When we see ourselves as sovereign, we take the responsibility of other people out of the equation. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been activated by something and immediately go and blame a person or a situation for it. So common. As a small example, I have learned over the years that I am a highly sensitive person. I notice sounds, smells, the energy of other people on a very deep level. So if I go to a restaurant with a group of friends and there is very loud music, I will leave that evening not getting the connection that I was hoping for. I would be too disregulated by the sounds and energy around me to be able to pay attention to my friends. Without this awareness, I would leave the restaurant judging myself for not being in a good mood or blame my friends for being “off” in some way. When in reality, I was not taking care of myself. Now that I understand this about myself, I can request the type of environment that I know will give me the best experience. And that’s empowering.
When it comes to relationships (of all kinds), there are some truths I want to share here:
Your well-being and emotions are no ones responsibility but your own
If your needs are not being met in some way, that’s on you (for not understanding them, speaking them or for keeping yourself in relationship with someone who is not able to meet your needs after you have communicated them effectively…this may need its own post lol)
Your judgements are a reflection of you - not another person
You are responsible for your choices and behavior
It is up to you to self-regulate and communicate
When we put our self-responsibility onto other people, we create unhealthy relationship dynamics. This is where co-dependancy and unhealthy attachment comes in. This is where continuous self-abandonment comes in. This is when we expect our partners to know what we’re thinking or needing. And all I have to say about that is…oof, I’ve been there.
What I’m learning is that being self-sovereign means we are whole and complete exactly how we are in this very moment. For the first many years of my healing journey*, I was becoming so aware of my wounds and my trauma that I was approaching my healing like I was someone who needed fixing. I would say “I have SO MUCH I have to work on,” to myself or to my friends. But the more that I learn about this concept of self-sovereignty, the more I realize that I am perfect exactly how I am. Wounds and all. My wounds and my triggers are a part of me and it’s up to me to understand them and know how to care for myself when they are activated. They will never go away, I will just relate to them differently over time…and that is what creates immense exciting change.
This is a personal share but some people reading this know that I have been single for over a year now. And quite honestly, I have needed a lot of time on my own to grieve my past relationship and to get to know this new version of me. At the same time, the idea of dating or connecting with new people has been absolutely terrifying. I’m afraid to get hurt, I’m afraid of meeting someone with the wrong intentions, I’m afraid of unhealthy attachment. But what I’m learning is that as long as I’m listening to my bodies signals, explore and understand my boundaries and what I want, I’m going to be ok. I’ve got my back. And when I’ve got my back, I don’t need to be scared. Every new experience I have teaches me something about myself, even if it’s painful. And I know how to care for myself when I’m in pain. I’m not scared of it the way I used to be.
This concept has me more motivated than ever to keep learning about myself. To keep noticing when things don’t feel right and when they feel really right. To understand my needs. And to keep listening ;-). And unfortunately that’s not going to happen when I’m hiding in my house lol.
Wishing you well on your own journey* and would love to hear any thoughts, reflections or questions below. I love this concept so much!
Sending love!
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